18 things I’ve learned in 18 years of open adoption

July 11 marked a truly special occasion: Deanna’s 18th birthday! It also marked 18 years since my open adoption journey began. I thought this would be good timing to sit down and write about some important things I’ve learned since becoming a birthmother in 2005.

1. Life doesn’t end because of an unplanned pregnancy – When I first found out I was pregnant, it felt like my life was over. As an 18-year-old senior in high school, a lot of things changed immediately: my reputation, relationships with family and friends, hopes of a college swimming scholarship. While it all seemed like the end of the world, looking back I can see that it was just the beginning! Open adoption allowed me to continue growing up while knowing my daughter was being raised by a mom and dad who were ready to be parents. I gave up a lot, but I gained so much more because of having Deanna.
2. Open adoptions evolve over time – Over the years in our open adoption, we’ve had periods of closeness (when she was first born, Deanna and her family lived in Raleigh) and distance (when Deanna and her family moved to South Carolina in 2008 and eventually California in 2013). As time went by, we also had periods of more communication and less just simply because life happens. I’ve learned to be okay with times of distance, knowing that times of closeness won’t be too far off. Now that Deanna is going to be playing volleyball at College of Charleston in the fall, I’m hopeful for a new season where we can become closer and my kids can start to build their own relationships with their older sister.
3. I can’t please everyone (and that’s okay) – A few years ago, when I started my first open adoption blog, I had quite a following and unfortunately along with that came criticism and hurtful comments from people who didn’t like what I had to say. I took a lot of those comments to heart and stopped writing because of it. I’ve learned along the way that not everyone agrees that open adoption can be a good thing, and that’s okay. I know from my own experience that it can work out, but I also know there are people who have been hurt by adoption and they are allowed to have an opinion too!
4. Honesty is the best policy – My kids have always known that Deanna is their sister. We talk about Deanna all the time as she is a member of our family. When questions come up, we just give the best age appropriate response that we can. They’ve never been surprised or upset by any of the information we’ve shared. This just is our normal.
5. It’s hard to relate to others as a birthmother – After the adoption, I found it really hard to fit in with my peers. I suddenly became an old soul. I started college about a month after placement, and while I wanted to be excited about starting college, making new friends, and living it up, instead, guilt and sadness made me question if I was in the right place and if I had done the right thing. I found it hard to fit in and make friends and be happy after all I had just gone through. I struggled with wanting to share my story with others, but also not wanting to be rejected or stigmatized.
6. Connection with other birthmothers is important – I found a great network of fellow birthmothers that provided a safe place to connect, which was super helpful. There are lots of these organizations that connect birthmoms together, which is awesome. They do yearly retreats, mentoring, and lots of things to help connect birthmothers and provide support.
7. Every birthmothers experience is unique – Along the way, I’ve met lots of birthmothers who have shared their experiences with me. While my experience with open adoption has been very positive, others unfortunately have not. I know birthmothers who have been shut out by the adoptive family, visits have been limited or restricted, or communication has been cut altogether. It’s really heartbreaking. The sad reality is that not every adoptive couple is a “Don and De” which makes me even more grateful and thankful for who they are and that they’ve allowed me to maintain a relationship with her over the years.
8. Adoption reform is needed – Along the same lines as the point above, I’ve learned that unfortunately, shady practices do happen in the adoption industry; kids are treated as commodities and birthmothers are coerced into making a choice they don’t want to. I believe birthmother and adoptee rights are very important and should be a focus in changing the current system. I didn’t go through an adoption agency because Robbie and I were introduced to Don and De through family friends, so I can’t weigh in on using an agency. But I do know women on both sides who have had very positive experiences with agencies, or a really negative ones.
9. The days are long but the years are short – Like many other things in life, the day-to-day of being a birthmom can be daunting. Wondering what your child is doing, missing them, hoping everything will turn out to be okay. But then the first year passes by. A first birthday. Then another year. And another and another. Each year is different and things get easier over time. Then suddenly you’re 36 and receive an invitation to attend your daughter’s high school graduation. Time seems to have flown by so quickly and it’s hard to believe we now have an 18-year-old.
10. People don’t always understand open adoption – I’ve learned that some people have a misperception of what open adoption is. It’s not coparenting. It’s simply remaining in contact and having communication with your child and his or her adoptive family. Some open adoptions are much more open than others.  Our adoption arrangement is very open, despite being on opposite coasts. We’ve had overnight visits and much more contact than some other types of open arrangements. While I love being Deanna’s birthmom, the parenting role remains with Don and De.
11. Siblings will have questions – Kids always have questions, don’t they. When it comes to siblings and open adoption, lots of random questions can arise. “Why doesn’t Deanna live with us?” “Why couldn’t you be a mom?” “Did I grow in your tummy with Deanna?” “Who was the biggest baby?” “Is Deanna a mom?” (They will also feel free to tell strangers at Target in the check-out line that we “have a big sister who doesn’t live with us and her name is Deanna and she’s really tall and likes to play volleyball….”)
12. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it – There are times when I have been excited to talk to people about being a birthmom and open adoption and all the things. I’ve shared at conferenced and events and small groups. Sometimes though, it’s emotionally too much. I’ve learned that it’s okay to step back and take time for myself without feeling I need to be an advocate or life-changer.
13. I like when people ask me questions – I like when people ask about Deanna. I love when people ask, “How’s your daughter doing?” It’s more awkward for me when people know about Deanna, but they don’t talk about it or bring it up. It’s a joy to share about her and help people to understand how our open adoption has been successful.
14. Counseling is a game-changer – I dealt with years of grief and sadness until I finally got help. I went to the counseling center at NC State and was connected to an amazing counselor who helped me unpack everything and learn healthy ways to cope. It was a game-changer and I’ll never forget my counselor (whose name was “Angel” coincidentally) and the impact she had on my life.
15. Unexpected moments are everything – When I attended Deanna’s high school graduation party, I was pleasantly surprised that she introduced me to all of her friends by saying, “This is my birthmom”… Before this, I wasn’t sure if her friends knew about the adoption or how comfortable she would be with me being there, but I absolutely loved the introduction and it felt very normal. Hearing her say those words was unexpected and surprising and I’ll never forget that!
16. There’s always a bright side – No matter how difficult the journey, I try to remind myself that nothing stays difficult forever. When Deanna moved to California in 2013, I was pretty upset. I knew the physical distance would have an impact on our relationship. What I realize now is that California was the perfect place for her to be at that time. She made awesome friends, jumpstarted her volleyball career, became an amazing athlete at a Christian school, and grew up in a beautiful place. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted at the time, it benefitted Deanna which is the most important thing. There’s always a bright side to every situation; sometimes it just means you need to change your perspective.
17. Faith has been life-saving – I give God all of the glory in this situation. Before I placed Deanna, I prayed that this would have a positive outcome. That Deanna would thrive and flourish and want to have a relationship with me. I prayed Don and De would allow me to continue seeing Deanna. I prayed for peace and freedom from feelings of guilt and shame. And God answered every single prayer and then some. It’s really hard to trust God when you can’t see the outcome, but it’s amazing to look back and realize how prayers have been answered.
18. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it – I had no idea how hard being a birthmother would be. But I also couldn’t imagine how rewarding it would be. Yes there have been some really difficult moments, but those times are far outweighed by being able to see my daughter grow up and become the amazing young lady she is! She has such a bright future ahead, and it reaffirms that I made the right choice in putting my own plans aside and entrusting Don and De to be her parents.